When you think of Spain, it’s difficult to imagine that you may need to defend yourself against aggressive old biddies coming the opposite direction, but YOU DO! These little grandmas have had years of practice taking up every inch of sidewalk space, leaving you with nothing. Insanely fast traffic coming at you at lightening speed? “Es tu problema, little whipper-snapper”, she says while hip checking you into oncoming traffic. Twenty foot deep ditch recently created by construction workers sipping on a beer? That’s right kids, grandma and her gray haired posse aren’t moving for you! BAHM, underhanded umbrella swipe to the knee, which sends you spiraling into the dark pit of no despair.
Grandma’s own the sidewalk in Spain!
Well, let’s be fair, it’s not just Grandma, it’s the Spanish mentality that moving out of the way for someone else is just not in the cards. Basically, you’re looking at a game of chicken where no one moves until very last minute. And if its anyone over the age of 60, you can kiss you’re chance of getting a piece of the concrete goodbye.
But there is hope! (Flickr photo by ferminet)
Top 3 Self-Defensive Techniques for Sidewalks in Spain
These moves should be taught under the trained guidance of Expats who have lived here for many a year. These are dangerous moves that should not be done without years of practice and a considerable amount of gullibility.
The Amazon Strike: Here, I ask you to take a deep breathe and imagine that you are a 50 foot tall Amazon. When you walk, the waters part, and people cringe in fear of your immense size. Keep this image crystal clear in your mind, because you’ll need it when Grandma starts her counter attack. Now, as you face grandma and her Ben-gay smelling crew, don’t let them unnerve you. Just barrel down the center of the street unwavering from your path, because eventually, she’ll move. Now, you may fear that she’ll be slapping a lawsuit on you for knocking her clear across the street as you collide, but don’t worry, suing isn’t a norm here on the peninsula, and her fear of breaking her hip is much more dire than her pride getting wounded. And if she doesn’t move, like a good run of Dominos, you’ll potentially not only knock her down, but entire crew of grandmas lined up horizontally just waiting to take you out.
The Preventative/Counter Hip Check: I bet you’ve already determined where I’m going with this. Just count that this deceitful feather-light little lady with the hot pink lipstick and sweet smelling Channel #9 would like nothing more than to win the bet she’s already crafted with her cronies that she can at least get you to falter. But I urge you to counter back with the preventative hip check. Just when you see her gearing up to swing those bony wee hips of hers, prepare yourself to move slightly to the opposite side so that she loses her balance when she comes in for the kill. THEN, when she realizes with a look of shock on her face that you actually predicted her move, go in for the counter hip check that should send her clear across to the other side of the street. It works every time!
The Mei Wan Shu Umbrella Move
This is ancient Chinese move that I am trusting you to do with the utmost of care. As you can imagine, umbrellas are deadly weapons when handled by 4 foot 5 little women who seem to know the exact moment to open them as you’re passing; whereby, taking out at least one eye. However, the with aid of the Mei Shu Umbrella Move, you can avoid such disasters. Here is how the move works. Just when she’s about to unleash her crazy weapon of destruction, as seen by the twinkle in her eye and smirk on her face, you counter back with a quick duck and steal. Duck under her umbrella, and take it right from out of her hands. She’ll never see it coming! Plus, you probably needed a cute little lacy umbrella anyway. So there you go! Kept both your eyes, and walked away with a new umbrella, well done!
The Moral of the Story: Because these self-defense moves take a considerable amount of training, my suggestion is that you simply stare down those cute conniving grandmas and hold your ground. Move to the righthand side of the sidewalk and stay on track. Don’t let them deceive you with their sweet smiles; simply smile back and guard your piece of the sidewalk by walking straight ahead.
Till Soon,
Gabriella Opaz
Gabriella Opaz is co-founder of Catavino.net – a website dedicated to Spanish and Portuguese wine